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Sunday, July 22nd, 2007
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8:56 am - i need a break...
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just finished watching nobuta wo produce and i must say that i'm glad i never got rid of my jdramas. i've collected over 40 of them and only watched about 4 of them. after hanadan, i decided to make a dent in my collection and after researching a bit on jdorama.com, i picked up nobuta after nodame cantabile.
oh, wow. (this is what summer break does to my brain: can't think of any better way to express my awe.)
i've gotta figure out a way to incorporate jdramas into my curriculum. there's something so wonderfully compact and efficient about a 10-11 ep. series that comprehensively covers great universal themes. why can't american tv programming be this good? nobuta handles friendship, loyalty, coming of age, symbolism and youth with such engaging, non-preachy verve that i'm hard pressed to come up with a better piece of literature that can do the same thing in the same amount of time. and that's saying something since i'm an english major/teacher.
or is it only because it's summer break and my brain is mush?
heh.
anyhoo, nobuta. i have to say that i wish more people are aware of this drama. ok, scratch that. there's tons of forums/blogs that address it. lemme qualify: i wish there were more people in my age group who are aware of this drama and who blog about it. because the majority of the 'net stuff i'm able to find has teeny bopper fangirls squealing over yamapi and the other guy and not really about the show itself. sigh. plus, in this one forum, everyone was bashing the ending - one even saying it was too homoerotic - when i think the conclusion was absolutely fitting and satisfactory and i couldn't have asked for better.
now if only someone could explain the pigs in the ED and the scene in ep. 9 - or was it 10? - where the vice principal and the book store guy have a conversation and end up looking at the moon. was this scene symbolic? or did someone really need book store guy and we see once again some evidence of the supernatural? hrmmm...
ok, i'm gonna take a break from jdramas and pick up the last two harry potter books. gotta finish rereading/reading them before school starts and hedman will have to talk about it. plus, i don't think i can handle any more marathoning jdramas early into the morning...gotta get back into school mode and perhaps run my tread instead of sleeping in? ah, the spirit is willing...we'll see if that resolution pans out, ne?
current mood:  contemplative
current music: tom petty
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(5 sporks | spork me)
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| Thursday, July 19th, 2007
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1:06 am - let's play the analogy game...
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full metal alchemist is to full metal panic: tsr as hanadan is to nodame cantabile.
that probably made no sense to anyone besides me. heh. okay, follow: after i finished watching fma, i needed something to cleanse my palate without having me forget its splendor and glory. i didn't want to replace it in my mind, but i needed to move on from it and i feared nothing could compare. it's kinda like eating a one-pound box of see's mocha truffles and realizing you're getting to the end and you better have a back up plan or your taste buds would never forgive you.
ok, anyhow...
i was actually in a blue funk for about a week after fma, desultorily looking thrugh my plethora of unwatched anime for that fleeting back up chocolate. i'd owned tsr for several years - fansubbed, not licensed - and i remember trying it when i first got it coz it was only a 13-ep. thing. i couldn't get past the 1st ep, for some reason long-forgotten by me. anyhow, i decided to pick it up for the same reason as before (short series length) and whaddaya know? instant back up choco success!
are we following the analogy now?
nodame cantabile KICKS ROCKS! (i actually don't know if i'm using that slang correctly; i think it may have negative connotations but i like the way it sounds so i'm using it as a positive thing). yes, nc is a definite keeper. sugoi ne, indeed! and a perfect palate cleanser from the angst of hanadan. sure, it made me cry, but sweet, achey-happy tears. bright, bright things are in store for titular character played by the chirpy ueno juri. and broody, yummy bishie tamaki hiroshi is my new inspiration for broody, yummy bishie fic protagonists. the person who steals the show, though, is eita who plays the crazy rock violinist, mine ryuu. yep, i said rock violinist. ehhh, you just gotta watch it to know. i love the ensemble cast and i love how each member of the orchestra gets just enough screen time to make them seem real and not just cookie cutter background for the main couple. fun, fun, fun! totemo tanoshi!!
p.s. i suffer boy bands if they're japanese boy bands. arashi kicks rocks!
current mood:  bouncy
current music: arashi
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(2 sporks | spork me)
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| Monday, July 16th, 2007
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11:46 pm - sugoi, ne?
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wow. okay. hana yori dango 1 and 2. jdorama. OMG!
just finished marathoning the damned things and...SUGOI! is it possible for a 30+ something woman to be so completely enthralled with what is essentially a high school cinderella story? i say YES!
to anyone who has not yet experienced the wondrous joy of hanadan, then i implore you to download the eps and see for yourself how absolutely amazing the show is. yes, it's excruciatingly melodramatic. yes, the scenarios are highly improbable. yes, it is unapologetically sentimental and romantic. but...oh! so good!
it speaks to the closet softie in me. and, frankly, it was nostalgically cathartic; it brought me back to my high school days when everything was so immediately painful/joyous/bewildering. it reminded me that i, too, once felt fully impassioned about people and relationships. i doubt i shall ever personally feel that way again - getting old truly does desensitize you to your own demons and angels. but if i can even hang on to those memories - if i can at least remember that i was young once - then it can only bode well for my children when they get to be that age and need comfort or understanding or a shoulder to cry on. god knows they probably won't get it from their dad. tee hee!
adult desensitization case in point: although i know i have that indescribable obsession for the thing - that feeling of wanting to be part of that world; the feeling i usually get after a damned good book (the first harry potter) or an awesome anime (full metal alchemist) - i'm not gonna go and immediately buy anything remotely related to hanadan or its actors. i stop short at writing about it here on my lj (and for those of you who follow this thing - and gomen for not updating regularly - you know anything that moves my lazy duff to write in my lj must be important). then again, perhaps i'm not going fanatical because i a) own the manga; b) own two more jdoramas that star two of the major hanadan actors; c) own the anime. so having already accrued a satisfactory amount of obsession-worthy swag must mitigate the need to obsess.
ha.
did that last bit make any sense?
wai.
and to steph, who asked me long ago if i had watched this drama and i pooh-poohed her: gomen nasai! you were right, as usual, you sly wench, you! now i suppose i ought to watch strawberry on the shortcake, ne? *wink*
current mood:  giddy
current music: static silence
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(7 sporks | spork me)
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| Sunday, April 29th, 2007
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1:04 am - speaking of anime...
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| Thursday, April 5th, 2007
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10:39 pm - anime redux
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'tis weird how things have a way of coming back, ne? i still distinctly remember six years ago, sixth period, yearbook class, talking to amanda about my newfound obsession with anime. she pooh-poohed me, saying i would fall out of it soon. i dismissed her dismissal, thinking it was ire borne of my neglecting our then-shared obsession with buffy.
fast forward two years. having a conversation with john and feeling a weird sense of deja vu. telling him about my fanaticism over all things japanese, stemming from my anime fixation. he pretty much said the same thing amanda did: you'll get over it. it's a phase.
fast fast forward to the present. six years later. the aftermath of marathoning full metal alchemist, a show i had long shunted aside because of its rabid fan following and its sell-out factor, being on adult swim and all. and gawds, what the hell took me so long?! i was being a total baka for ignoring this stupendous anime simply because i was being a fansub elitist. feh.
[insert pure disgust here]
it's been a strange road i've followed. during that time, i managed to discover the world of online communities, fanfic and yaoi. i quit a secure, tenured position. had two kids. moved to BFE to accommodate second kid. got a job in a *different* high school. made friends. burned friends. picked up knitting, fer chrissakes! and through it all, like a silent thread bonding it all together, was anime.
my interest in it may wax and wane as frequently as the moon itself, but it is always there, and juliet be damned. it is not inconstant. i think as long as stories like FMA are being told, i will always follow anime. as long as i can watch things that stir my soul and urge me to leap out of bed in the middle of the night (hell, 10:40 *is* the middle of the night for a mom of two, okay?) and blog about it, then i can safely say i'm hooked for life.
FMA. sigh. gawds. and i'm not just talking about the series. i just finished watching the movie right now. initially, knowing my adventure with al and ed would be over soon (i marathoned the first 41 episodes in 4 days then slowed down to savor the denouement), i began trawling the web for info. would it really be over after the movie? will i find resolution? or would i be burdened with an evangelion-esque japanese ending? did i invest my heart and soul and eyeballs for nothing?
this was hard to do without spoiling the movie for myself. i did come across a forum that decimated BONES, saying they did not do justice to the manga and that the end of the movie - which i think, sadly, is the end of the anime for real - left them unsatisfied. i stopped reading at that point and resolved to finish the film before i tainted my experience of it any further. but in the back of my mind, i dreaded the movie because of the scuttlebutt i'd read.
two hours later (i know; the movie was not that long, more's the pity; i watched the making of, okay?) i can see what the ruckus was about. but for me, it was a fitting conclusion. yes, i'd like to see them go back to armetis (sp?) and regain their alchemical powers, but i think the show was something beyond the magic and special effects. it was about life and growing up and making choices and living in the real world. ok, that sounded so trite and textbook and english teacherish of me, but i can't help but find my own personal satisfaction that way. the parallelisms worked; al and ed are not alone in this new world. old faces balance out the good/evil karma of things. and even though they lost mustang, they gained hughes back, ne? and no, i don't want to see another movie or ova made. i would like to imagine them living just as they'd ended it.
feh.
this was gonna be this glowing review of the anime but it ended up all rambly and discombobulated like all my other posts. no wonder no one ever reads this anymore.
ok, suffice to say, FMA has moved me greatly and i'm gonna need another anime to help me cleanse my palate of this masterpiece. and the great thing? i know i'll find another masterpiece that moves me just as greatly.
viva l'anime!
p.s. how crazy into japanese am i that, without even checking/reading the credits, i immediately knew that the ED for the movie was sung by HYDE? meep!
current mood: replete
current music: computer whine
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(3 sporks | spork me)
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| Wednesday, February 21st, 2007
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2:08 pm - there's no accounting for talent...
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it's the hack speaking again. yep, we seem to be hearing a lot from her/him lately. all cynicism and dry skin and recriminations. i dunno...i'm kinda in a writing funk even though my brain races a mile a minute when i'm lying in bed, in the dark, all comfy under my down comforter and certainly unwilling to leave my nest to jot down said mile-a-minute ideas.
feh.
i wonder if doing this writing workshop thing at school has zapped me. being surrounded by would-be wannabe writers, some of them not bad at all, and half my age at that, throws me into an inferiority complex tailspin.
double feh.
i'm changing the setting of AiU from 21st century southern cali to turn of the century (wait, do people still understand that to mean turn of the 20th century? is that the given century when you say "turn of the century"? gah! whatever) alternate universe new york. victorian times. mwahahahaha! that should be fun, right?
ok, i just got a raging headache. where'd that come from? argh! ouch! ok, tbc...
current mood:  aggravated
current music: thrumming heartbeat
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(spork me)
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| Wednesday, February 14th, 2007
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12:08 pm - AAAARGH!
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what's going on with lj? why is my screen pink? gah! it's positively treacly! why? why?
stupid, stupid commercialized holiday!
you know, and it's not even as if i was single and man-less. i'm happily married. my hubby didn't forget and left me a sweet email with which to start my work day. i don't really have anything against pink and red as colors, per se. and i adore chocolates. so why the loathing for the actual holiday?
well, i just think it's manipulative and over-hyped and potentially harmful to those who either do not have loved ones or who have just recently lost loved ones. i mean, c'est la vie is true, but do we have to rub the damned thing in their faces? do we have to have all these commercials from candies to roses to vinyl siding - all peddling their wares in the name of st. valentine?
i am no goth. i am not a bitter old woman, as one of my students so succinctly put it. i love romance movies as much as the next person. i just don't appreciate being steamrolled into things. i love my husband. i tell him that at least once a week. i don't wait for him to buy me things; i go out and splurge on myself. all these factors negate the value of this holiday as purported by the media: i don't need our love reaffirmed and i don't need material goods to prove our love.
feh.
valentine's day, my ass.
you know, in japan, valentine's day is the guys' day. it's the day when japanese females make hand-baked sweets or chocolate and inundate the males with an avalanche of confectionery goodness. for women, their day is white day. i think it falls on march 14, one month after valentine's.
ok, there was no point to that last paragraph; i just love all things japanese.
whatever.
i should probably stop ranting and work on my fic. notice it's been demoted to "fic". it is no longer my "novel" or my "book". i feel pretentious and presumptuous and i should never have sent that damnable christmas family newsletter out that said otherwise. now all these people are asking me when my novel will be finished/published. little do they know that only one month after nanowrimo ended, the wind was completely and utterly knocked out of my sails and i haven't felt the inspiration since. all the words i've written after nanowrimo have been forced and contrived and painful. i don't even know if i like my characters anymore, much less love them.
i've been spending my time knitting and reading manga. funny how my obsessions cycle like that. i'm halfway done with my hubby's argyle vest, after frogging it 6 times because argyle's a bitch to knit. and on the manga front, i'm back in the yaoi groove and have recently finished reading brother, lies and kisses and the art of loving. reread skyscrapers of oz (my fave!) and am considering rereading fake while i wait for my next batch of manga to come in from amazon.
a separate paragraph dedicated to the best of the best: ANTIQUE BAKERY! i am now officially a fumi yoshinaga stalker. i MUST have all her works! the woman is a genius. she writes elegantly and fluidly. her art is sparse but evocative at the same time. her humor is gentle without being condescending and her men are hot, hot, hot. but not in an overt, florid way. as i said, her art is sparse. no, these men are second-glance hotties. you know, the guys who don't immediately catch your eye but the more you stare, the more beautiful they become? yep, that kind of hot. everyone MUST buy this manga. highest recommendation both from a BL lover's perspective and from a shoujo lover's too. fun for everyone!
am rambling. must quit. kids will be coming in any minute and i have to pretend to be a teacher again. mustn't complain, though. what other day job allows me to openly pursue my after hours activities? i practically wrote my entire nanowrimo piece at work. mwahahahaha!
current mood:  calm
current music: teenagers - my chemical romance
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(1 spork | spork me)
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| Thursday, February 8th, 2007
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9:09 am - o where o where has my little muse gone?
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o where o where can she be?
anyone see her? anyone?
i think she's been replaced, really. by this other thing called logos. i don't like logos. he's a hard taskmaster, a bit of a demanding git and extremely sporadic in his manifestations. at least in the past, when i had ethos on my side, she'd stick around for weeks on end until i finished a ficlet before disappearing on me. logos, the rat bastard, whips me into a 24-hour frenzy then abandons me in the middle with not even lingering traces of encouragement to tide me over before he comes again.
stupid logos.
i have all these facts for AiU; all these maps and charts - my god, i even used an excel spreadsheet, ok? i have an extensive glossary that lists all the greek words i've used in the story and what they mean. i have the hierarchy of the academy plotted out from the highest echeloon to the lowest minion, complete with their official names and their layman's names. i have motive, i have bad guy, i have the damned ending, even! but with all that, i can't seem to formulate a decent sentence, much less an entire chapter.
and i feel i'm losing my beta. i mean, i love her dearly and we still chat up about anime and yaoi goodness, but i fear her slipping away and losing interest in my story. not that it's such a bad thing, right? she'll still be my friend and all. we'll still have loads in common. but wihtout a beta, my will is gone. drained. and i'm back to square one once again. square one of the writing process.
gah.
i wonder how professional writers do it. perhaps the money? knowing their livelihood depends on the next written word? knowing that the paycheck won't come until that last period is typed? do they have cadres of editors, publicists, publishers, and fans egging them on? is that really all it takes?
maybe i can hire people to be my personal cheering squad. like professional mourners.
heh.
stupid.
i need to get back to writing.
current mood:  tired
current music: blessed silence
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(4 sporks | spork me)
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| Monday, December 4th, 2006
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10:52 am - W.I.P.
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Goals, Dreams, and Resolutions 2007
1. Take a few minutes to reflect on the previous year. What are you happy with?
2. What are you unhappy with?
3. What unexpected joys did you discover during the year?
4. What were some of the unexpected obstacles that came up, and how did you deal with them? Looking back, would you have done anything differently?
5. What expectations did you find you needed to let go of?
6. Looking ahead, how do you want to structure next year to support your writing?
7. How does the rest of your life support your writing?
8. How can you change/compromise on the non-supportive elements?
9. What new aspect of the writing life do you want to try next year?
10. Where do you need to be more disciplined?
11. Where do you need to ease up on yourself?
12. List your goals for the coming year.
13. List three positive, active steps to take on each goal to get it going.
14. List your dreams for the coming year.
15. List three positive, active steps to transform each dream into a goal.
16. List your resolutions for the coming year.
17. List three positive, active steps to help you stick to them.
from: http://inkinmycoffee.blogspot.com/2006/11/here-are-some-questions-to-ponder-for.html
answers to follow...
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(spork me)
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| Friday, December 1st, 2006
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11:42 am - serendipity strikes
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in which i attempt to reconcile my past, my present and my future
nanowrimo is over. and guess what? [insert nanowrimo winner icon here because i'm not supposed to link to it;
imagine it, though. it's got a marathon man holding a huge pencil; it's pretty] yep, i did it. my first year, my first attempt, still working full time with two little ones, and i made the 50,000 word count in 30 days. go, me!
but here's the rub: without the impetus to drive me (it broke down to 1667 words a day, which i managed to do, even through thanksgiving break), i was a bit bereft. i was feeling post-nanowrimo blues, of course, because the month of virtual camaraderie and common purpose, even amongst strangers, made me feel connected and part of a community that filled a huge gap in my life. having it over after days of intense work and fierce concentration was heartbreaking, to say the least.
but i guess the real reason behind my bereftness (is that a word?) is that i thought i lost it. lost her. my muse. i'd made these grand, ambitious plans to continue the novel, to actually try to get it published. i was gonna whore it out to various publishing houses and rejections be damned. those of you who know me, this was a big decision. those of you who don't...well, let's just say that although i try to pass myself off as a "writer", i never once tried to do anything about it in the 30-odd years i've been writing.
so, yeah. i was finally going to do it. i even toyed with the idea of lulu and self-publishing; anything to get my name in print and that elusive ISBN. but at the end of the month - actually when i hit word 50,125 on nov. 28 at 7:31 am - she disappeared. my muse up and left the building. i still had the plan, i still had the story, but it was as if i was wiped clean of all my articulate thought and wordsmithing ability. a lot of that, i know, is the lack of incentive, but i still had my wonderful beta (yes, lirren is with me, so for those of you who read the bit two entries down, that story ended happy, happy, joy, joy) who gently cracks her whip when i flag. but even the promise of a good and thorough lbl from her was not enough to spur my creative horse on.
so i was resigning myself to yet another dry spell - another hiatus from writing - and i feared that this would be the proverbial straw on the camel's back, you know? the last time i would be given the drive and the chance and the ambition to write. i feared that, as my kids grew older and i sunk deeper into my mundane groove of motherhood, work and wifedom ( *know* that's not a word, but i'm using it anyway), i would lose sight of what i had always believed to be my true purpose in life. i feared i'd give up writing for good.
(to be continued...)
ok, back. it's now december 2nd, saturday, and i just got back from my one-day trip to s.f. to pick up the golden bell award for our school. we won for innovative high school. very prestigious. may blog about it later. but now, i'd like to complete my thoughts from last time. it's gonna be a bit antiseptic now, only because i'm not writing in the heat of the moment, but it's important enough for me to finish, i think.
so, i feared not maintaining the writing bug. and i was ready to give up. really. i just couldn't see myself going through all this again - you know, the roller coaster up and down of do i have it?/don't i have it? plus, since i've been doing this writing workshop gig with students with actual talent this year, i'm feeling a distinct inferiority. i see in a lot of them the talent and promise and glint in the eye that i used to see in myself. and i envy their freshness and possibility; next to them, i feel like a tired old hack. worse, i feel like that counselor from "10 things i hate about you" - the one who was more concerned about her nasty bodice ripper and the countless ways to say "throbbing manhood" than she was about helping her students. yeah, her. *shudder* it doesn't help that heath ledger has made a more respectable name for himself and has blossomed his career in mature ways since that movie was made, making me feel like he has progressed and i haven't. (weird association, i know, but it's my party; i can cry if i want to).
so, yeah. angst. white flag. throwing in the towel.
then: serendipity.
this stranger makes a comment on my lj. on an entry that was pathetically short and self-pitying; certainly not my best work at all. but she comments. and she begs me to continue to write. i quote: Hey - I am emailing you from PA a 34 year old mom and working mother (mother of one little boy named Keelan McCabe). I was reading your entries and it made what was a very difficult day (and I do not ypically have many being the ass of an optomist I seem to be) actually survivable. Thanks - sincere thanks.
So please do not stop writing - I may need you (a stranger) and your entries to get me through the next few weeks.
Sincere thanks - huge Keelan fan
now how about that? i mean, i've not updated this damned thing since summer and a bad update at that. and it's from a person who is in my selfsame boat (i dunno why, but i have recently decided that i develop instant affinities with working moms; my best friend - also a working mom - says that it's natural; the whole birds of the same feather thing. regardless, i find myself listening to these people, even if they're strangers, more than i would to someone i actually know but who may not share my same life situations. but, i digress). and that just lights my world.
really.
that's all it takes. just a simple message from a random stranger. ah, ego - how frail and weak and susceptible to praise and flattery. but isn't that how all humans are? deep inside, all we want to be is appreciated and - dare i say? - loved. a kind word, a sudden smile - more powerful if unsolicited - is really all anyone ever needs to keep on keeping on. this, i believe.
so i shall continue to write. i won't despair. and even if "writing" means only updating this lj every once in a while. or joining the madness that is nanowrimo every november from now on until i die. or plotting future "novels" in my head. i shall write. i shall tell people proudly i am a writer. i won't hide behind self-deprecation and coy, sheepish, excuse-riddled admissions. i shall proudly shout that i am a WRITER, dammit! hear me pour! (yes, i meant "pour". not a typo. "pour" as in "my heart out on paper", you know?)
so. end of entry, right? but for the more persevering and astute of you out there who have made it this far, intrigued by my victorian "in which" subhead (gods, i need to do those subheads again; i miss them), you're probably wondering why i talked about reconciling my past, present and future. well, if you'll bear with me for a few more paragraphs?
ok, so one of the reasons i stopped updating this lj was because i got swept up in the blogger.com craze and everyone else had one on there and i told myself that, after 2 kids, i was definitely not the keelan i was when i first started this lj, so why not make a fresh, new start and reinvent myself on blogger?
stupid move.
because i didn't need reinventing. that person didn't even acknowledge keelan, and how could i possibly think that keelan had no place in my life? how did i think i was ever going to succeed in completely obliterating keelan from my self? that person who started that blog thought she was only a mother and a teacher and the white picket fence suburbanite. but if we are indeed the sum of our experiences, then that person was not only white bread blandness. that person is also vodka-laced forgetfulness, guilty cigarettes in the middle of the night, and cynicism. that person is yaoi, knitting, and anime. that person is neurosis, catholic guilt, and mental anorexia. that person is scribblings until the sun comes up, crashing operas, and soulful 80s female vocalists. that person is a mother of two, an innovative english teacher, and a writer. that person is keelan.
so why try to disassociate my self from myself? why create misery and resentment where none should exist? why reinvent what wasn't broken? instead of reinventing, i should just be revising - adding to what is already there. no fanfare. no bells and whistles. just me. just keelan. version 2.0.
and i'm gonna ditch that blog. it was pretentious and ridiculous anyway.
current mood: triumphant
current music: how to save a life - the fray
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(spork me)
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| Tuesday, November 7th, 2006
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10:41 pm
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i miss my old life. i miss being keelan.
current mood:  numb
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(8 sporks | spork me)
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| Wednesday, July 12th, 2006
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9:10 pm - pity party
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i'm doing the prickly nose thing again - you know, where i have to cry but that stupid stoic bastard of an inner voice tells me it's the weakling's way out? yeah. i'm at that place right now. here's why, in no particular order:
1. the godsbedamned knitting project that i've been working on for THREE EFFIN' WEEKS - the LACE pattern knit that i'm doing with TWO types of yarn AT THE SAME TIME - unraveled on me beyond repair. so all those times i had minor fixes and was so goddamned proud of meself for knowing how to knit backwards a couple of stitches to get to the problem? completely useless waste of time.
2. i have not had a decent conversation with my husband in over a month because...
3. i'm stuck doing this fucking writing project invitational shit that has consumed my life - my SUMMER! - to the point that i wake up at 5am, am on the road by 6, sit in a frigid room till 3 then drive home and won't make it to my driveway till 5pm and that's if i'm lucky. on bad days, i don't get home till 7, which means...
4. i don't have time for my kids and i'm feeling like a worthless mother because i look at my one-year-old and realize she's closer to my mother-in-law (my in-home daycare) than she is to me. today, she tripped and started to cry inconsolably in my arms and wouldn't cease and desist until MIL held her in her arms. do any of you even know how much that aches? and my three-year-old? i'm so exhausted, all i can do is plop him in front of the tv and hope he's entertained till bedtime.
there have been good things - GREAT things, even - that have happened to me as well. but their bittersweet. and part of my prickly nose thing. i'll tell you why:
5. the woman i met and connected with and now could possibly partner up with on all things grand and academic and potentially publishable in that arena - Rebecca "the goddess" Black - has recently sent me a copy of her class syllabus for me to peruse. she has already provided me with the brunt of my research for the goddamned writing project presentation (i'm doing it on fanfic and blogging - go me!) and has been so kind and generous and helpful considering i was an unsolicited nobody with no creds to speak of besides a plea for aid. and what do i do? brush her off because i can't find the time or the energy to comment on her syllabus and do it justice. she's been super about not expecting, but i feel so damned guilty, not being able to return the favor.
6. this is the one that kills the most. met lirren two days ago because, out of the blue, she posts on my lj regarding BoS. yeah. Boys of Summer. talk about a blast from the past. it's been what? 5 years since i wrote that? 5 years since gohan? 5 years since the loss of my betareader and best friend? but the point is, she really liked it. i mean, REALLY liked it. (gods, i feel like sally field.) i was just gonna suck up as much WAFF as i could - feedback whore that i am - out of her brief post, write her a casual thank you, then dismiss it as a serendipitous yet superficial meet and greet, but something about her diction and her voice compelled me to go to her lj. and lo and behold! this gal is like the alter me. the alter keelan. the keelan from another dimension. she likes all the same things i do - right down to the books and tv shows. (i forgive her anita blake because trixie belden balances it out.) and the best part? she's around my age and has a son. this is important, if you know anything about my past and my drama with my last beta. this was good.
so i ask her half-jokingly if she'd consider being my beta and she said...yes! i know, i know. you're all shaking your collective heads and rolling your eyes and tsk-tsking me. "remember what happened last time, keels? remember why you quit writing midstream in the first place? remember the pain? remember the guilt? do you really want to open yourself up to that again?" well, i must be a masochist coz i think the answer is yes.
why is this on my prickly nose list? because i WANT to write. for the frist time in 5 years, i'm feeling the itch again. but because i have this goddamned writing project bullshit to deal with and because i do have a family now - small kids suck, btw. can't wait till they're college bound - and because i've also committed to rebecca black to collaborate with her on a UCIrvine course on fanfiction and anime, i'm feeling torn again. i'm feeling like so many different people and i don't have time to be all of them. i'm a mom and a teacher and a researcher and a writer. how does one fit it all in and still have room to breathe?
i know rebecca will be understanding; her class doesn't even start till august and she doesn't really need me to run it; she just wanted my feedback. and lirren is still only a potential beta, remember? i don't think she knows what she's getting into, agreeing to beta for me. i don't think she realizes what a crutch that position is to me. but maybe, 5 years later and 5 years wiser, i may have learned a few things. maybe, this time around, i won't be so needy and i'll reign in the feedback whore. besides, i don't think lirren even knows what an lbl is. (hey, fanfic glossary folk: i think that should be in your lexicon and i think you should credit me on that one! everyone on MASML used it at one point in time. does that qualify as a fandom?)
sigh.
you know, for all the time i spent venting, i could've been productive elsewhere.
damned if you do...
current mood: drained
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(4 sporks | spork me)
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| Tuesday, July 4th, 2006
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8:20 am - with friends like these...
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'tis so funny that i've been so good at updating my blog and no one comments there, but i post one self-pitying whine on my lj, and i discover how truly blessed with friends i am. thanks to all. you've all been my collective muse. my first ebook is dedicated to you. ^_~
current mood:  chipper
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(6 sporks | spork me)
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| Monday, July 3rd, 2006
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6:13 am - ambivalence
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it's comforting to know that people still care. more importantly, it's good to hear from people who knew me BC (before children). i've decided i was a cooler, much more interesting person then.
now? i dunno if anyone would want to hang with me while i regale them with stories about sleepless nights and throw up - and not the fun, college days of sleepless nights and throw up - oh, no! nothing that interesting. i'm talking sick kid and lots of suicidal thoughts. grrr...
but, before i lapse into self-pity mode again, i do want to address makdaddy and bagel's comments (yes, i still remember their nicknames although they might not use them anymore): is she a crutch? do i really write well on my own? it's flattering to think, but you guys have not really read my stuff - you know me from a different place and the dynamic of our relationship was such that it didn't encourage much interplay back and forth. i was the authority figure; you guys were the subordinates. bagel crossed the line a couple of times - gods, has it been that long since we went to Comicon? - but for the most part, you both haven't truly known me as "keelan the writer". so can i lend credence to your words of encouragement? i need them desperately and i hate to look a gift horse in the mouth, but i'm hesitant to put much faith in them, especially after listenign to some of these other people's writing in this workshop i'm attending.
but let's set that aside for the mo and discuss this: i followed mak's advice and searched myspace and actually found someone who may be her. the name fits and the place fits. but no pic, no profile filled in and the blog is protected, which means, unless she adds me as a buddy, i can't get in. and somehow, even though i've emailed her several times and now have publicly (on this lj and my blog) begged for her to contact me, i feel i must draw the line at begging on a myspace that might not even be her. plus, like any writer, i fear rejection. what if it was her and i asked to be put on friends list and was denied? but how much do i want to resume communication?
ah, thus the title of this entry...
maybe i should just forget everything: forget her, forget writing, just go back to being my insipid, banal, suburban self and raise my kids like a good mother and try to take solace in things that afford me some minute pleasure: reading, anime, knitting (yes, knitting. isn't that sad? i've lapsed into a homemaking craft that, although the press dubs now as the new cool thing, is still a mommy thing in ymbook. sad how the mighty have fallen).
it's truly pathetic when you hinge your dopes and dreams on a 20-year-old girl from oklahoma.
current mood: crappy
current music: sweet silence
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(12 sporks | spork me)
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| Sunday, July 2nd, 2006
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1:24 pm - gohan
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I should be working on my presentation. The kids are both asleep; I've got Sarah McLachlan -my thinking muse - on Pandora; my note are ready to be turned into this fabulous Powerpoint. But I got sidetracked.
So I decided to talk about fanfiction and I thought - clever! Just drag out some of your old stories and didn't gohan lbl them? Why don't you show them samples of both your work and the lbls and that'd be authentic, ne? Easy peasy. But I didn't count on the effect this would have on me.
I got sucked into reading not only my work but gohan's remarks as well. And it was like reading something out of a book. Were we really both that articulate? Were we really both that good? Her comments were/are astonishing in their grace and encouragement and criticism; my stories are...well, at the risk of sounding obscenely boastful, my stories are fucking awesome. And it's not as if I was being the typical writer falling in love with his first draft; I don't even remember writing half this stuff and I got so involved in reading the stories, I lost a good 20 minute chunk of time.
Why did I ruin that? Why did I ever allow her to leave my life? All because of the skepticism of a few people and the fact that she was in high school? Did my children really cause that schism? Was being a mom so irreconcilable with being a writer? I am truly the village idiot. Because after our "fight" - if you can even call it that - I never wrote that well again.
And now here I am, in a position to resuscitate my passion, and all I can put down is drivel and whiny, angsty self-pity. I miss gohan. I need my muse back. Maybe that's why my life seems so tenuous and amorphous right now; why it feels I could leave it at any minute and float away with no regrets. I have nothing to ground me here - even my beautiful children and worshipful husband aren't enough to keep me going. Something was/is missing from me...something I couldn't articulate for the longest time but something so powerful, it causes me to prickle ry in the back of my throat at odd moments.
How do I find her? Amanda Hargraves. Gohan. It's all I have to go by. Her livejournal is dead. I've emailed her tentative messages last week but no response. Do I dare disturb the universe? Or am I being selfish? Am I ready to commit to our friendship again? Or will I toss her away again as soon as I get what I need?
It aches. And I don't know what to do...
current mood:  desperate too
current music: Angel - Sara McLachlan
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(4 sporks | spork me)
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| Thursday, August 18th, 2005
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9:45 am - me loves rowland
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my rowland kids rock! i mean, i go underground for a year and all i have to do is poke my head out briefly and they all come out to welcome me back to the fold as if i never left!
[feels all waff-y]
so, shouts out to steph and michelle and the mak for saying hola. ^_^ i dunno if i'm going to keep up both this lj and the blog concurrently, so check the two before pronouncing me dead again, k?
current mood:  happy
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(6 sporks | spork me)
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| Wednesday, August 17th, 2005
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8:12 am - i blog, therefore i am...
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i've come to a point in my life where it's either do or die. (okay, too dramatic. lemme try again.)
ahem.
things change. (ack! too trite! lemme see...)
erm...i've outgrown this lj and... (that sounds sooo ungrateful.)
bwah!
come see the new me at www.focusnot.blogspot.com
whew! now that wasn't so bad!
current mood:  awake
current music: dorm room chatter
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(3 sporks | spork me)
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| Monday, August 9th, 2004
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11:20 pm - yearbook camp
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or why keelan thanks the weather gods
last year, yearbook camp was a raging inferno. not kidding. it was a sweltering 100 degrees for the five days; there was no air conditioning in the dorm rooms we were at; i'd only brought a teeny weeny desk fan.
i was miserable.
so you can imagine my extreme unanticipation when camp rolled around again this year. two weeks previous, the temperature was reaching triple digits again and i was dreading the five day excursion into hell.
but now, here i am on the third day and i'm loving every minute of it!
not just the weather, mind you. (which is a perfect, balmy 80 in the day with a breeze to boot, and a northern cali-like 65 in the evening). this being my second time, i'm a lot more prepared. i know what i'm teaching; i planned lessons and made handouts; i know the layout of the campus. and the kids are nowhere near as snotty and recalcitrant as they were last year. in fact, i think i have the best group of 24 staffers out of the 400 campers here.
i love camp.
yes, this may make me a geek, but we all knew that about me anyway. and yet another reason i love it? i can actually have keelan time uninterrupted. you see, after we teach our courses, we have an obscene amount of down time. and i can choose to read comic books (brought scads with me), watch japanese drama (GTO rocks, even on the compie!), or nap (took a luvverly 3-hour one today)...all without the guilt of "oh, i have to spend time with my son now" looming over my head.
do i miss dylan? of course i do. but to stop being "mommy" for five days...sheer bliss! and not having ever had dorm experience, even staying in the dorms - now that i ahve super fan and the weather rocks - has become a decadent pleasure. no roommates, internet access, no worries about electric bills so my compie and fan stay on all day, heck - time to actually update my lj with no pressure or time constraint...mini vacation, anyone?
so, the update: had a fiasco with ebay last night. long story and not worth mentioning now that it's been fixed, but the cliffs notes version is that someone had hacked into their system and i was one of the unfortunates whose account got tampered with. someone listed 30 cell phones under my account and he/she used outrageous extras to list them, all amounting to $200 worth of listing fees. i panicked, i freaked, i found out about it yesterday night at 11pm and i was already exhausted from our one "long day" of instruction. yipes!
but all is good; ebay rectified the sitch and i'm golden. no worries.
been catching up on other peeps' ljs and am worried about gohan. we haven't spoken since her visit in june. not spoken like we usually do anyway. we emailed a few times - discussing some things that were borne of misunderstanding then had escalated into awkwardness - and nothing since then. and i've been too busy to comment on her lj entries - many of which are causing my aforementioned worry.
she doesn't sound happy. in fact, she sounds extremely discontented and put upon. i feel like i should call or email or at least comment on the lj but...
but...
my life is full. and it's balanced right now. precariously, to be sure. but balanced nonetheless. and i fear that introducing one more thing/person into it right now - someone or something who/which might upset that balance - might make me go off the deep end again. there was a time there when my master's, my job, my family and my friends were mashing together into a chaotic jumble and i was silently screaming on the inside. i wanted out. i needed a break. but it just kept coming. not one was worse than the rest - they all just conspired to keep me off kilter for the longest time. sometimes i'd look at myself in the mirror and not recognize me anymore. i was so busy, so worried about things/people/situations that i was stretched thin and became a shadowy substitute of myself.
i'm barely getting it all back again.
i'm enjoying my son. i'm learning how to juggle him, my husband, my job and my hobbies. i started reading comic books again. i've finally cracked into my jdrama collection and have been watching them. i feel content. peaceful.
and i also feel slightly ashamed and guilty that i feel all this without gohan. to be fair, if you notice, i never once mentioned "friends" in that last paragraph. i've sadly neglected not only gohan but steph, bagel, lorelei, deanna and my other numerous online pals. is it because it's too much effort? perhaps. i'm woman enough to admit it. does admitting it make it any better? not really. i feel like a fair weather friend sometimes, but i rationalize it in my head by telling myself that i am not responsible for everyone and that they can all survive without me. they all have lives, they all have problems and responsibilities and if they needed me or wanted to share with me, they's contact me.
and that rationale works with the majority of the people i mentioned above. but gohan...why does she worry me so much? is it because she's so far away? is it because she's younger and/or has less of a support system compared to everyone else? it's not like she's my daughter or anything, right? but after all we've been through, adn especially after meeting her face to face, i've subconsciously taken on the role of "mother" for her in my mind. and i feel the guilt of a neglectful mom right now. and i feel selfish for focusing on me.
silly, ne?
i know she misses me and i miss her as well. but to be honest, i miss her in a very distant, detached, unhurried way - like missing your favorite aunt. you know you have a blast with her when you're together and you'd surely die if anything happened to her, but you don't go out seeking her at every opportunity. does that make sense?
feh.
now is the time of keelan lj updating when her brain shuts down, she's done being introspective and now she can't wait to end the update so she can do other things. ever feel that way? you're all jazzed about writing in your lj and then, halfway through, even though you know you haven't covered even half of what you wanted to say, you get sick of it all and just wanna quit. yeah, i'm at that point. and it's late. i'm gonna end this right now.
to be continued...
current mood: reflective
current music: duncan sheik
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(5 sporks | spork me)
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| Thursday, July 22nd, 2004
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9:29 pm - keelan poll
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cleaning out my house and realized/remembered/rediscovered that i had 3 cratesfull of graphic novels. i have them separated into three categories: superheroes in tights, alternative press, rated R for mature themes (sex, violence, whatnot).
my poll question: do i store them at home in crates, unread and unshared because the only place i have to store them is in my closet? or do i store them in my classroom? and if i store them in my classroom, do i allow my students to read them VERY CAREFULLY or keep them out of sight and just store them?
ok, waiting for responses...
current mood:  productive
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(4 sporks | spork me)
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| Wednesday, July 21st, 2004
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8:21 pm - things to do in los angeles when you're dead...
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or what keelan does during summer break
it's kinda cool to realize that having a son doesn't necessarily slow me down. i used to look forward to summers coz that was my time to decompress and relax and sleep in adn do all the things i want to do but never have the time for during the busy school year. when i got pregnant, my biggest fear was that i'd have to give all that up.
now, in the midst of mommy-dom, i realize that things aren't so bad. in fact, once i got a routine down, being a mom is actually kinda fun. i manage to run errands - the fun ones as well as the necessary ones, and the only difference is that it takes me a couple extra minutes to take the squid into and out of the car seat. of course, it helps that my mom-in-law is with me most of the time to share in the squid patrol.
so what i did today:
1. went to burlington coat factory to use up a store credit and bought extra crib sheet and two darling sports pictures for the squid's room. now his pad is complete - not babyish anymore but full-fledged toddlerized with a red/white/blue/vintage sports motif that i'm sure will last him well into adolescence.
2. went to the gap to return the mail order pants the hubby bought but ended up not liking.
3. went to ikea to buy floating shelves.
4. put up said floating shelves on family room wall and arranged family photos on it for spectacular vignette. (heh. who woulda thunk it? me, putting up photos! i always sneered at people's homes when i saw family photos displayed willy nilly in common areas and now here i am displaying my baby in his full glory. on flaoting shelves even!)
it sounds like not a lot but when you figure i did all this with squid in tow - and putting up shelves (making sure they're level, screwing them into studs, etc.) is not easy with squid in tow - well, i gotta get some props, ne?
got more jdramas in the mail and am looking forward to relaxing tonight with one of them. or perhaps watch the rest of stellvia of the unvierse anime. or perhaps finish a section in my geisha cross stitch. (yes, i'm cross stitiching again! so maternal am i!)
tomorrow i shall purchase some creative memories paraphernalia coz i'm gonna start scrapbooking again - the squid and his life, of course.
see, keelan? your life does not stop just because you have a kid. then again, i'm doing all this without having to worry about a job. i already know going back to work this august is gonna kill me.
i love my squid. i love hanging out with my squid.
life is good.
current mood: content
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(2 sporks | spork me)
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keelan's journal